["Going Back to Cali" by The Notorious B.I.G. plays in the background]
Death: dude...you've got to give your audience...more background info
dataMage: okay, like what?
Death: give them...the main story and...major players. literally, no one reads this.
dataMage: Matt, shut the fuck up.
In the beginning, there was a Civil War where Lucifer and his friends sorta tripped out of Heaven and re-organized themselves elsewhere in the spirit world. they called their new territory "Hell."
As part of the - quite fragile - truce, Purgatory was established as a buffer between Heaven and Hell. also, everyone agreed to leave Earth alone (but absolutely nobody respected Earth's sovereignty). things were more or less peaceful -- and then Jesus of Nazareth taught humans how to get to Heaven and the truce literally went to Hell.
Now, the warmongers St Peter and METATRON have kicked Jesus out of Heaven; no one can find the Archangel Michael (or his army); Lucifer is leaving Hell out of either protest or boredom (no one knows which) and he's named Joan of Arc heir apparent...yes, that Joan of Arc. she goes by Jean.
Forces gather on both sides, as Heaven looks to block Jean's ascension - and block the rising Matriarchy she represents.
dataMage: how's that?
Death: good, not great.
Death: you don't mention me.
dataMage: "also the Angel of Death is here too - "
Death: well yeah, but ya know...make it part of the story.
dataMage: "- and he helped start the war by swallowing a grenade."
Death: yeah, there ya go. more...more of that.
premium members get unlimited forgiveness - from the Holy Papa Suprema - and access to today's hits! you get some Heaven for being baptized, sure, but now that we're receiving corporate sponsorship, you'll have to pay $9.99 per month...for eternity.
picture New Orleans during Mardi Gras.
good. now imagine that city is the size of Russia...that's us.
plus the Art is better and the Drugs are free.
the stuff that occurs in the spirit world (Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory) tends to manifest here on Earth.
note: time isn't linear and the mapping isn't always one-to-one.
for instance, Lucifer once sneezed while peeing and accidentally came to Earth as zombie-Rasputin. it was gross.
deals with the coup against Jesus (of Nazareth) in Heaven, the plot to rob St Peter of his military might, and Lucifer's decision to step down. The events in the spirit realm result in the creation of Balrog - the pissed off inner-child-demon that lives in dataMage's subconscious - and the rise of Joe Rogan's Catholic clone, the Papa Suprema, Joe Rogan IV.
final scene: "The Madness of St Michael"
deals with the revolution in Hell. Lucifer names Joan of Arc as heir but won't do much to help her win power. Jean enlists the help of the original god of sound (Ohm), the mysterious Wardeness of a spiritual prison, and a philosophically well-endowed skeleton (DEMETRIUS). Jean eventually finds herself stuck, in a siege, trying to cross the River Styx. On Earth, Mage attempts to take out Joe Rogan IV in the doomed Operation: HopeFiction.
final scene: "Hellhound Ascending"
deals with Jean's consolidation of power throughout The Hell Imperium. meanwhile, the Gates to Heaven lie in ruin. on Earth, the people have started getting antsy following the failed coup against the Holi Pepperoni. the Catholic Temple looks rickety as a new techno-power rises in the West.
final scene: "Automated Math"
The Balrog Diaries
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